Saturday, 17 October 2015

3 Ridiculous Ways You Use Your Phone Today. No 1 Ruins Your Sex Life.

Addicted to your phone? Don't pretend. You think of your phone the same way Batman does his utility belt; like a Russian Swiss army knife with terminator like geo-morphing capabilities, equipped to handle any and every situation and never, ever, EVER to be left alone.

But have you taken it to the next level? Some creative geniuses of the modern era are leaving bystanders trembling in their wake as they invent new unheard of uses for their phones. Here are 3 examples for you, are you familiar with any of them?

1. Phubbing - The Act of Snubbing Someone In Favour Of Your Phone

In a recent study by Baylor University, 37% people reported feeling depressed after being ‘phubbed’ by their partner. Too cool to talk to the flesh and bone next to them, Phub Phantoms prefer to use their phones to engage in digital masterclasses of self-aggrandising social exclusivity. Steve Jobs would be so proud.

Not Surprisingly at all, male and female partners alike continue to respond negatively to being spurned in favour of online whores friends. This behaviour impacts negatively on relationships, causing couples to fall out and much less sex to be had worldwide. ‘Phubbers’ remain shocked.

Visit Stop Phubbing for detailed statistics on this growing epidemic.

Sound like anyone you know?

2. Mobile-Phoning  - Pretending To Be On Your Phone To Avoid Conversation

You’ve been there. You’re in a coffee shop, or somewhere public, and suddenly someone strolls in bathed in an aura of Armageddon, blessed with the bulging beady eyes of a rapist and smelling of rotten eggs sprinkled lightly with Jurassic level dinosaur dung. How do you escape? You reach into your utility belt pocket, rip out your phone and pretend to look busy.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been guilty. I know I have.

If you’re Irish, you better have raised your hand because your government recently launched a campaign aimed at all the Mobile Phoney’s out there. They also invented some great words like Goggle-bluffing and Frummaging you need to check out.

Londoners, don’t think you’re any better, the chaos of morning seat wars on the tube has birthed a breed of Mobile Phoney’s the likes of which this world has never seen.

3. No-Loner-Ing - Strategic Use of A Phone To Avoid Being Called A Loner

You fear the dreaded Loner title. We all do. So whenever you find yourself stranded at a lonely desert conference, or nightclub, with no one at hand to save you from imminent life destroying Loner status, what do you do? Yes, you guessed it. Dive into your utility belt pocket, dig out your phone and stare at it blankly while you formulate a plan.

You ever seen these types? You often see them in clubs, in random corners, along with a whole host of other things people are generally tired of seeing in clubs.

There we have it. 3 examples of some of the new radical ways you use your phone today. What do you think of the list?

Have you ever witnessed Phubbing, Mobile-Phoning or No-Loner-Ing? Have you ever been guilty yourself?

Do you know of any more unconventional modern day uses for phones I should to add to the list?

Speaking of lists, why not check out 7 Complaints Dog Lovers Don’t Expect From Their Pets before you go? No.2 involves nudity.

Monday, 28 September 2015

7 Things You're Tired Of Seeing In Clubs

When was the last time you went clubbing?

I honestly can't remember. But I haven't forgotten all the club antics you always see on a night out. Here are 7.

1. Circle-nometry

You ever notice how girls always end up dancing in circles? Like they're about to start holding hands and sing Kumbaya? Not only is this man made barrier often harder to crack than Superman’s fortress of solitude, it’s ridiculous.

Why behave like a mime trapped in a zone when you can zig, zag, move up, down, diagonally or horizontally? Do anything but standstill and thrust towards the vacuum of space before you like a pregnant woman attempting a stationery bridge.

2. The Replay Girl

Convinced she’s the next BeyoncĂ©, and more up to date with the latest tunes than DJ Jazzy Jeff, this girl causes all kinds of commotion when she realizes her favorite song is up next.   

When the beat drops, and that sweet sensation of music starts pulsating vigorously through her from head to toe, she dazzles everyone with the same boring one two step she was doing to the song before. And the one before that. And…you get the point. 

True, not everyone has moves like Justin Timberlake. But when her head starts shaking, hips gyrating, finger raised to the sky with a look of constipation glee on her face as she signals the crowd, you’re expecting a volcanic eruption. Or at least a back-flip. Not a perfect rendition of herself 30 seconds before. The deception is painful. And it only gets worse with time.

3. The Grind Gang

Glued at the hip like conjoined Siamese twins, this pair look like a divorced couple made of sandpaper trying to grate each other into oblivion. Yes, you’re right, there’s nothing wrong with grinding now and again. But these two are special because they amaze you with their ability, to grind to any, and every song. 

Slow jam, grind, house music, grind, punk rock, grind. You’re pretty sure these two would happily grind away to Frank Sinatra if given the chance. You could half applaud their tenacity. Although it has nothing to do with you, your peripheral vision wishes you would see something else at least once. 

4. The Fly

A hallmark figure of the club scene, you never fail to spot him on a night out. Simply look for this trusty sidekick, the wall, and there he shall be. They’ve been best friends since he hit puberty and discovered his uncanny superpower to leer at women without blinking.

With the wall by his side behind his back and always nursing a drink in hand, he spends his nights waiting for unsuspecting women to accidentally waltz into his circle of power so he can start up a conversation. Fear not ladies! Simply stay further than 1 meter away from the walls and he is unable to reach you.

5. Mr Cool

Distant cousin to The Fly, but slightly more versatile, he also has the uncanny trait of spending his entire night rooted to one spot. Subtle difference is you see him everywhere. The bar, the sofas, the smoking area, the VIP section. Absolutely anywhere. Everywhere, except the dance floor. You've definitely seen annoying people like Mr Cool in more places than just clubs.

6. The Frat Boys

Never alone, like new wolves fresh into the pack, The Frat Boys tend to catch you off guard. They’re harmless at first. Frolicking with each other, exchanging pats on the back as they stroll into the club. It’s only after they’ve downed a few beers you remember why you like to steer clear.

Taking the lyrics from House of Pain’s “Jump Around” too seriously, they astound you with their Jack Rabbit impersonation and senseless cavorting. The beads of sweat flung in your direction and need to dodge elbows and heel kicks, swiftly remind you that you came to dance, not practice evasive manoeuvres. 

7. The Blind Man Approach

Anyone unfamiliar with The Blind Man Approach, let me explain. You see a girl on the dance floor. Man approaches girl from rear. Said woman and man have never laid eyes on one another, or spoken, or had any contact whatsoever. Man plants pelvis to woman’s rear, initiates close dancing and waits for judgement day. 

Woman feels bulge behind her. Reciprocates dancing. Waits for visual confirmation from one of her girlfriends whether or not to continue dancing with man who approached blind. Wonders is he hot or not? Following girlfriends response, rejection or acceptance of man ensues. No matter how many times you see this one, it never gets old. If you laughed at any point during this post, read on to see exactly which one of your 11 laughs you used.

What do you think of the list? Is there anything on there that shouldn’t be?

Do you think I missed out anything?

What are your favorite pet peeves about clubbing?

Let’s discuss in the comments.

Sunday, 20 September 2015

Why My Brothers Were Convinced I Had A Vagina

Fear Not! I am a man, but I do not have a vagina. At least last time I checked. So why on earth were my brothers convinced I did?

Let me tell you a story.

Sometime ago, I became obsessed with staying fit. It started off as nothing special, going to the gym maybe 2 to 3 times a week. Before I knew it, I had transformed into one of those annoying protein shake obsessed, bench loving, egg guzzling gym nuts you often see emerge from hibernation in summer to taunt unsuspecting bystanders with their raging pecks, sizzling abs and stimulating conversation.

On average, I was working out about two and half hours a day. 1 rest day a week. This could be anything from yoga, to skipping, to cycling, to running, to swimming, to weight-lifting, to boxing, to calisthenics. Often, my days comprised of a mixture of 3 or 4. Never the full mix. I needed the rest of the time to devour a few cows, one regular sized goat, and a newly married chicken couple in-between working hours and my social life.

What does any of this have to do with me having a vagina?

Somewhere along the line, I stopped drinking. Not for moral high ground but because in time, after any of my morning, afternoon, or evening workouts, I looked like this.

Alcohol didn't help. I tried to stay strong for a time, but after one ill-fated episode of puking my guts out on a regular Saturday morning following a few beers the night before, I realized my liver was telling me something. Alcohol had to go.

Luckily for this tale, I did not turn into a social recluse, but continued to frolic, mingle and convort with my fellow compadre's from time to time. Yet, now my palms were not being soothed by a refreshingly cold beverage when out, I was consistently greeted with a face of pure surprise or confusion, and my manhood always came into question. The first culprits of course being, my brothers.

Clearly, it wasn't exactly mind blowing to see friends and family surprised when I used to utter the fabled words "I don't want to drink", as they were used to seeing me drink before. What I found amusing was the level of surprise, the fact people I had never met being equally surprised, and having to justify not wanting to drink. Conversations usually went something like this:

"Charles, you want a beer?"

"No, I'm good thanks."


Awkward silence.

"You on a diet or something?"

"No, I'm just not feeling it"


Confused faces all around.


True, I could have explained my decision was initially fuelled by a newly found gym obsession that was sending my laundry bill through the roof by way of profuse sweating. I say initially because after a while, I simply didn't feel for it. But that wasn't any fun. Giving no explanation at all, led to the best reactions. Here are 3 of my favourite.

1. Do You Have A Vagina?

Classic. Other versions include, "Are you on your period?", "Come on Charles, man up", and my personal favourite "Stop being a bitch". I don't think I'll ever fully understand how the desire to not intake a substance leads to a re-evaluation of your sexuality. But who am I to judge.

2. Are You A Recovering Alcoholic?

I chose not to drink, to protect myself from myself and resist the temptation to descend into the abyss of alcohol depraved lunacy and over the top theatrics. Or some believed. Occasionally, I received words of praise for my brave decision to resist the dreaded fiend that is alcohol. More often than not, a pat on the back.

3. Are You Poor?

The first time I got this reaction I almost couldn't contain my laughter. I was out with a friend and his colleagues who worked in the finance industry. When I said I didn't want to have a beer that night, they offered to buy me a few rounds because they said they remembered what it was like to be poor. Not being able to afford booze seemed more realistic than not wanting to drink. Priceless.

The best part of all of this is that, without getting technical, too much drinking is bad for you. Yet, you don't get anywhere near the same reaction if you tell people you don't smoke, or you don't have a weed farm in your basement. It's okay to not smoke, weed isn't a big deal, but drinking is do or die! Why is there such a big difference in attitude?

Let's look at some quick facts.

Smoking vs Drinking In The UK

1. Total annual cost to society of alcohol related harm is estimated to be 21bn. Cost to NHS, 3.5 bn. Smoking costs society 12.9bn and the NHS 2bn annually. (Sources Public Health England & Ash, 2014).

2. In 2012, there were 6,490 alcohol related deaths vs approximately 100,000 for smoking. (Source, ONS)

3. There are 137 alcohol admissions every hour, compared to 61 for smoking. (Source, ASH, 2014 )

Humanity and alcohol have a long seeded history. So much so that drinking has arguably become a social norm. You could surmise the strong reaction being related to how not drinking separates you from this 'norm'. Still, you must see the humour. Especially when drinking isn't a first-class ticket to health haven.

If you want to have a little fun, try it yourself. Next time you're out, or get the chance, say you're not drinking and see what happens. You're in for a treat.

Have you ever had any similar experiences you would like to share?

What are your thoughts about how embedded alcohol consumption has become in society?

Do you agree drinking can be compared to other substances like smoking and marijuana?

Let's discuss in the comments.

Friday, 4 September 2015

23 Funny Truths Most Africans Can Relate To. You Won't Believe 13.

1. There is always space, even when there isn't. 


2. Duty free = buy as much as you can carry.

   3. Dry skin is a sin because cocoa butter is a religion.

4. Your bum can never big enough. Ever.

5. Christmas time means "gifts"for everyone, even people you don’t know.

6. Stop and search is as frequent as traffic lights.

7. One offertory offetry is never enough, minimum of 3 or 4.

8. People are bi-accented.

9. You can have black skin and still be called white – Oyebo.

10. Being overweight is a sign of good living. The plumper the better.

11. Pepper makes everything taste better.

12. Even Formula 1 drivers would struggle to get from A to B.

13. The louder you talk, the better your argument.

14. People don’t love orange soda, they love suya.

15. Africans have been "Making It Rain" for years.

16. Guys know how to wine too.

dance animated GIF

17. Forget wallets, envelopes are all the rage.

18. You can never be too late.

19. No need for first names, just call anyone older "Uncle".

                          20. If she’s white, parents think girlfriend. If she’s black, future wife.

21. Point with your lips not your hands.

22. It’s never too hot to wear a full suit


23. Why say hello, hi, hey, or excuse me when you can just hiss at people instead?


Thursday, 9 July 2015

Why I Hate The Phrase "You Should Never Hit A Woman"

I'm worried.

Worried because I've delayed writing this post for about a year and a half.

Worried because I know most people out there won't agree with what I'm about to say.

But before you jump to conclusions, let me explain why I hate the phrase "You should never hit a woman".

Let me tell you a story.

During my final year at university, I was hanging out with some friends at a park. One of my friends was teasing another friend, a girl. Eventually, she decided he had gone too far. So, she punched him in the face. The next day, he had a black eye. Everyone laughed.

Now, what's funny about all this is that if it had been the other way around, no one would have laughed. Everybody would have turned on the guy who hit the girl. Would have been appalled at his behavior. Distanced themselves from him. Maybe even attacked him themselves.

Skeptical? Watch the video below.

When it comes to guys hitting girls, I know the status quo is. I understand where it comes from. But that doesn't mean I agree with it. Nor should you. Especially if you're a guy. But talk to most guys and they'll all be too quick to bow before it. Like a good soldier just following orders. Whatever they may be.

However, the ugly truth is that it doesn't make any sense. Think about your gut reaction when you hear of, or see a man being slapped by a woman. You either think it's funny, wonder what the guy did to deserve it, or have no response at all. But a woman can never deserve to be hit, it's unmanly.

There are 3 reasons why I find all of this kind of funny:

1. The Pop Culture Effect 

Perception controls everything. And when you over emphasize that "You Should Never Hit A Woman", the reverse, men being hit by women loses importance. Think about some of the shows you watch, there's bound to be a scene somewhere where a woman slaps a man. I've been watching a lot of Revolution and The Originals lately and there are certainly some fine slaps been dished out left, right and center. 

The problem is, when such behavior becomes a natural part of our TV experience, it makes it harder to separate it from day to day life. You could argue that seeing a man being slapped on TV has become normal. But if you saw a man give a woman, an uppercut to the jaw, eyebrows would be raised. That's not to say this encourages women to slap men, but it doesn't exactly discourage them either.

2. False Equality

You could call me a feminist. Or you could say I reject male chauvinism. I'm not interested in having thoughts as outdated as dinosaurs. Either way, I think it's fundamentally difficult to separate how you treat someone, from how you view them. If men don't think women are their equals, they won't treat them as such. This may be a stretch, but I believe the gut reaction to men hitting women relates to this.

If a man goes out of his way to annoy another man, by calling him names, insulting his mother, or something similar, and the man being insulted resorts to violence, a lot of people would call that justified. It would be stupid NOT to expect that reaction. But society has conditioned us not to treat women in the same way, not to treat them in the same way we would treat other men, even our closest friends if they pushed us too far.

Watch this distressing video and analyze your reaction to get my point.

3. The Phrase Itself

If you think I'm condoning men hitting women, you are truly mistaken. I'm a pacifist. I hate the phrase "You Should Never Hit A Woman", not the fact that men don't go around handing out left and right hooks all day like candy on Halloween. I hate it because of all the reasons mentioned above. Because logically, it should read "People Shouldn't Hit People".

I don't know about you, but I'm certainly not a fan of it being okay for people to hit each other. And although the lion's share of physical violence might be dominated by one sex over another, clearly the best thing to do is to encourage no violence towards each other at all. Sure, it's a tough pill to swallow, but you're not supposed to like your medicine, it's supposed to get the job done.

What do you think?