Monday, 28 September 2015

7 Things You're Tired Of Seeing In Clubs

When was the last time you went clubbing?

I honestly can't remember. But I haven't forgotten all the club antics you always see on a night out. Here are 7.

1. Circle-nometry

You ever notice how girls always end up dancing in circles? Like they're about to start holding hands and sing Kumbaya? Not only is this man made barrier often harder to crack than Superman’s fortress of solitude, it’s ridiculous.

Why behave like a mime trapped in a zone when you can zig, zag, move up, down, diagonally or horizontally? Do anything but standstill and thrust towards the vacuum of space before you like a pregnant woman attempting a stationery bridge.

2. The Replay Girl

Convinced she’s the next BeyoncĂ©, and more up to date with the latest tunes than DJ Jazzy Jeff, this girl causes all kinds of commotion when she realizes her favorite song is up next.   

When the beat drops, and that sweet sensation of music starts pulsating vigorously through her from head to toe, she dazzles everyone with the same boring one two step she was doing to the song before. And the one before that. And…you get the point. 

True, not everyone has moves like Justin Timberlake. But when her head starts shaking, hips gyrating, finger raised to the sky with a look of constipation glee on her face as she signals the crowd, you’re expecting a volcanic eruption. Or at least a back-flip. Not a perfect rendition of herself 30 seconds before. The deception is painful. And it only gets worse with time.

3. The Grind Gang

Glued at the hip like conjoined Siamese twins, this pair look like a divorced couple made of sandpaper trying to grate each other into oblivion. Yes, you’re right, there’s nothing wrong with grinding now and again. But these two are special because they amaze you with their ability, to grind to any, and every song. 

Slow jam, grind, house music, grind, punk rock, grind. You’re pretty sure these two would happily grind away to Frank Sinatra if given the chance. You could half applaud their tenacity. Although it has nothing to do with you, your peripheral vision wishes you would see something else at least once. 

4. The Fly

A hallmark figure of the club scene, you never fail to spot him on a night out. Simply look for this trusty sidekick, the wall, and there he shall be. They’ve been best friends since he hit puberty and discovered his uncanny superpower to leer at women without blinking.

With the wall by his side behind his back and always nursing a drink in hand, he spends his nights waiting for unsuspecting women to accidentally waltz into his circle of power so he can start up a conversation. Fear not ladies! Simply stay further than 1 meter away from the walls and he is unable to reach you.

5. Mr Cool

Distant cousin to The Fly, but slightly more versatile, he also has the uncanny trait of spending his entire night rooted to one spot. Subtle difference is you see him everywhere. The bar, the sofas, the smoking area, the VIP section. Absolutely anywhere. Everywhere, except the dance floor. You've definitely seen annoying people like Mr Cool in more places than just clubs.

6. The Frat Boys

Never alone, like new wolves fresh into the pack, The Frat Boys tend to catch you off guard. They’re harmless at first. Frolicking with each other, exchanging pats on the back as they stroll into the club. It’s only after they’ve downed a few beers you remember why you like to steer clear.

Taking the lyrics from House of Pain’s “Jump Around” too seriously, they astound you with their Jack Rabbit impersonation and senseless cavorting. The beads of sweat flung in your direction and need to dodge elbows and heel kicks, swiftly remind you that you came to dance, not practice evasive manoeuvres. 

7. The Blind Man Approach

Anyone unfamiliar with The Blind Man Approach, let me explain. You see a girl on the dance floor. Man approaches girl from rear. Said woman and man have never laid eyes on one another, or spoken, or had any contact whatsoever. Man plants pelvis to woman’s rear, initiates close dancing and waits for judgement day. 

Woman feels bulge behind her. Reciprocates dancing. Waits for visual confirmation from one of her girlfriends whether or not to continue dancing with man who approached blind. Wonders is he hot or not? Following girlfriends response, rejection or acceptance of man ensues. No matter how many times you see this one, it never gets old. If you laughed at any point during this post, read on to see exactly which one of your 11 laughs you used.

What do you think of the list? Is there anything on there that shouldn’t be?

Do you think I missed out anything?

What are your favorite pet peeves about clubbing?

Let’s discuss in the comments.


  1. Love it. "circle-nometry" - WORD. Also, good word invention.

  2. Glad you enjoyed the post Sam! I have a bad habit of making up words here.