Saturday, 1 February 2014

7 Complaints Dog Lovers Don't Expect From Their Pets

Would you like to have a talking dog?

Dogs have long been considered “man’s best friend”. This heroic bond between dogs and dog owners stretches back thousands of years. Much can be said about the love between man and his 4 legged, tail wagging compadr√©. Hunter, herder, protector, provider, dog has been many things. Now, you treat him like part of the family. But do dogs really love their owners?

What if things were not as rosy as they seemed? What if your bond wasn’t as strong as you thought? Let’s pretend for a moment that dog lovers have got it all wrong. Put yourself in your dog’s shoes and imagine all the things he might be unhappy about. If dogs could talk, here’s what they would say.

1. I Thought Slavery Was Dead

Dogs are bought at slave auctions pet stores. They wear slave collars leashes most of the time. They’re allowed outside when you say so. They eat when they’re told. They sleep where they’re told. For all intents and purposes, you could compare dog ownership to slavery.

Think about it dog lovers, apart from humans, what other mammal buys and owns other mammals? What would you do if you saw a monkey riding around on a goat he bought for 7 bananas? Your brain would probably implode from seeing such pure awesomeness, or you would simply be lost for words.

2. I Like Being Naked

Mr Cross Dresser

Remember Adam and Eve? Those super cool dudes that used to like running around naked? If you had asked them to wear clothes, they would probably have looked at you like you’re stupid. And yet, some dog lovers think that making dogs wear costumes isn't ridiculous at all.

Confusion, embarrassment, shame, dogs probably feel all these things. It’s weird to think that you can be embarrassed about wearing clothes right? Probably about as weird seeing a snake wearing a really big sock because he’s cold.

3. I Don’t Wear Shoes

Mr Elf

Yes, similar to point 3 but it deserves a separate mention because it’s equally ridiculous.

4. I Don’t Like Playing Fetch

Mr Fed Up

Fetch, that awesome game when you throw something far away, your dog retrieves it, and then you play again, and again, and again, and again. What if dogs understood the game differently? To them, it’s called ‘lost and found’. It’s only meant to be played once.

How pissed off would dogs be if this was true? They speed off, fast as they can, to return your lost item like good dogs should, only to have you throw it away over and over and over again. Dogs must get sick of ‘lost and found’ pretty quickly.

5. I’m Not An Accessory

Mr Paraplegic

Somebody, somewhere along the line came, to the absurd conclusion that dogs are an accessory. I blame celebrity dog owners. Fashion choices aside, let’s look at this from a practical point of view; dogs have legs. 4 legs in fact, that’s two more legs than humans. When did they become unable to walk? Next thing you know we’ll be driving pet eagles around to play the Good Samaritan.

More importantly, dogs probably hate it. I bet all their dog pals make fun of them for it. Just like how you’d look twice if you saw a grown man being piggybacked to work by his mum. It makes no sense to carry a man, with two fully functional legs. Yet for some reason, dog lovers no longer seem to care about logic.

6. I Speak English

Mr English Graduate

Baby talk, that weird thing parents do then they’re talking to babies. It uses lots of strange sounds and funny faces adults would find extremely annoying. However, let’s not forget about ‘dog talk’. In some ways it’s similar. The difference is, baby talk doesn’t last forever, ‘dog talk’ does. Why?

There comes a time in every dog’s life where ‘dog talk’ stops being okay. Like the cut off age for wetting the bed. When he’s not ‘such a good boy’ anymore, but now the alpha dog all the bitches want to be with. This alpha dog probably finds ‘dog talk’ really annoying. He would prefer it if you just spoke to him in plain English.

7. Don’t Pick Up My Shit

Mr Scared Shitless

The first time you pick up your dog’s shit, is probably the single most disturbing moment in his entire life. Ignoring the obvious reasons why this happens, think how your dog must feel. After doing his business, he turns around only to catch you in the act. The obvious question on his mind being, why the hell did you just pick up my shit?

Next, you put the shit inside a bag. Now, he tries to figure out what you’re going to do with it? Is it a souvenir? Are you going to eat it later? Do you plan on playing fetch ‘lost and found’ with it? He’s completely confused. It never occurs to him that you plan on throwing it away. To your dog, the ground is his toilet. His shit is already where it belongs.

It would be great to know how dogs really feel about all of this. Unfortunately, dogs can’t talk. So you’ll never really be able to know what they think.

But maybe all the dog owners and dog lovers out there could help out?

What do you think your dog would say if he could talk?


  1. Epic True Fucking Story! I'll definitely reconsider my behavior around my doberman after this!

    1. Hi Eric, thanks for the enthusiastic response! I'm sure you and your doberman get along just fine :)

  2. That was one of the funniest posts I've ever read. I'm a dog owner and fell of my chair twice I was laughing so hard

    1. Really glad to hear that a dog owner can see the humor in all of this. Thanks Cheryle.

  3. What a post. Very interesting and I bet your 4 legged friends will unanimously vote you their spokes person