Just For Laughs 

Karma: Cat got your tongue because you stole his milk. 

Karma II: Diarrhoea all day from eating his lunch. 

Karma III: Horse on your back because you rode him too hard. 

Karma IV: Next funeral's yours when you caused the last. 

Karma V: Penis won't grow because you used it too young. 

Insistence: Dog's got your bone, because you said he wasn’t funny. 

Dilemma: Must drink piss to avoid eating shit. 

Dilemma II: Spray to the eye or kick to the balls. 

Misunderstanding: Wetting your pants to not take the piss. 

Gullible: Caught Truth in the act but believed Lies excuse. 

Doomed: Buried alive but not quite dead. 

Unprepared: Not knowing CPR when she's almost RIP. 

Unprepared II: Mouth's full of crap, when it's your turn to talk. 

Unprepared III: Too slow to dial because you lacked "Speed". 

Unprepared IV: Package isn't ready when she comes to collect. 

Unprepared V: 'Machine  is out of order when’s she’s ready for service.

Stupidity: Eating a dictionary to improve your vocabulary. 

Stupidity II: Repeating that which you know will bring you pain. Agent of hangover. 

Procrastination: Eyes glued to the second hand as Time walks by. 

Toothpaste: Necessary for fresh breath and to avoid her fresh slap. 

Foresight: Left wallet at home so you don't have to pay. 

Overreacting: Beating him up because he beat you again. 

Overreacting II: He steals your watch because you wasted his time. 

Overreacting III: Bar to the face because you wouldn't leave his. 

Unlikely: Filling a bucket with water using a fork. 

Mistake: Diving head first onto a pile of rock. 

Mistake II: Deciding to drive when you can barely walk. 

Mistake III: Deciding to drive when you can hardly see.

Violent: Breaking her leg for not rubbing yours. 

Denial: Convinced she's the one when you're number two. 

Injury Prone: Weak at the knees at the mention of sport. 

Education: Making your mouth worth the money. 

Sex: When two become one and one leads to three. 

Positive: Glad to break a leg, because you didn't break two. 

Optimism: Enjoying the view from the bottom of a well. 

Suya: Meat on a stick that your mouth likes to keep in. 

Tit For Tat: Someone made Twitter, so someone made Twatter. 

Bloated: Inability to resist good food. 

Teamwork: When your mouth says "Aaah", while your stomach says "Yum". 

Time: The bitch we want but can never find.

Polygamy: Being loose with your choices. 

Smile: Your face’s half hearted attempt at making a circle. 

Toothache: When Head divorces Ache, so she moves in with Tooth. 

Razor: Cuts through all the crap to find genuine skin. 

Pillow Talk: What you get when you keep giving it eye watering affection. 

Unfair: When Forgiveness becomes infinity so Hate can't count. 

Stripper: The result of Stand paying Ripper to become one. 

Ruthless: Killing the rat to make sure you win the race. 

Ashamed: Too chicken to admit your chicken stole his drumstick. 

Idle: Waiting for Initiative to punch you in the face. 

Resistant: Two legged man who's always on all fours. 

FML because she lied about BRB.   

Dog: Man’s best friend, flea’s worst pal.

Integrity: Man enough to admit you're not the man to man that stand.

Piss: That which leaks out when you try to hold it in.

Distraction: Inability to keep your eyes on the prize. Enemy of focus.

A Mission: Surviving the day on two hours sleep. Probability says “Good Luck.”

The Net: What most people on social media use to hide.

Pole: On what women dance to make money flow.

Order: Barking at someone to jump through hoops like he's your personal pet.

Unwelcome Alliteration: From Michael Jackson to 'Wacko Jacko'. 

Unwelcome Alliteration II: From Britney Spears to brief wedding tears (her 55 hour marriage in 2004). 

Futile: Trying to pass on the Blame when it's rather attached to you. 

Impatient: Not willing to wait to find the right path, you set off on a journey you're going to regret.

Growl: The sound your stomach makes when it's getting ready to attack you with hunger.

Indecisive: Too busy cheesing with another, to dangle some meat in front of the first who was ready to nibble.

Slap: A five finger stamp that makes your face go ‘clap’.

Tree: A log which felt the need to branch out.

Bluff: Threatening to bite when you have no teeth.

Not Fussy: Adultery, it likes any type of sex.

Suck: Your biggest threat when you have no Bite left.

Sweat: What’s all over The Palms when everyone’s checking out for The Ritz. 

Divorce: The future tense of marriage.

Ice: What you buy to make her shiver with joy.

Crack: What your mirror does when it can no longer stand to see your face.

Compare: Uk Car = Maker of ‘vroom vroom’, scared to use ‘honk honk’. Nigerian Car = Doesn't speak the 'highway code', only knows ‘honk honk’.

Annoying: When you're trying to catch some sleep, but it keeps slipping through your fingers.

- Undecided: Tears rolling down cheeks but smile spreading across face.

Fang: Tooth’s evolution when it decides to stop doing things faire and square.

A Note: What change someday hopes worthy of being.

Beard: Caretaker of hair, collector of fluff, butler of age.

Boobs: Where you want to plant ‘Face’ when things are growing well. 

Boobs II: The twins that grow out while others grow up.

Boobs III: Two great hills whose sites you frequently visit.

Belt: waist’s straight jacket, belly’s Warden.

Belt II: Trouser’s bowtie.

Alcohol: What mouth takes in to loosen brain up.

Fist: What arm throws with speed, to catch face off guard.

Right Hook: What eye sees in his corner when he is caught unawares.

Uppercut: When chin is afraid to look down because he knows he’s about to fly up.

T-Rex: Giant two leg lizard with tiny forearms.

Pen: What you use to graffiti on paper, whilst the walls take offence.

LOL: Arch enemy of silent laughter.

Sex: Mother of birth.

Condom: When sex gives sperm a 'time out'.

Faulty Condom: Sperm on parole.

Vasectomy: Sperm given life sentence.

Mirror: What vanity creted so it could get more face time.

Spit: What your mouth throws out what your manners forgot to keep in. 

Grass: Forced to lay low because it's afraid of lawnmower cutting short its plans for growth.  

Asshole: Loves talking shit which is never far from bollocks.

Ring: Oddly shaped key that unlocks the heart of women.

Boxing Gloves: The difference between winning a fight with applause, and being sued for grievous bodily harm.

Voicemail: Modern day soliloquy.

Handbag: Portable black hole owned by women.

Slang: What your mouth uses when it’s trying to cheat at scrabble.

Acronyms: For when you CBA.

Drunk: When you don’t care if it’s she or him, you’re just happy to get some of ‘Shim’.

Drunk II: Blissfully unaware.

Gutted: Forgetting to call when she was the one.

Bus: Double whopper meal made of chairs.

Inconsiderate: Dance floor blocks its number so you never know when it’s calling.

Hunger: When your mouth says “Aaah” so long as it fits.

Confused: I have no problem with Maths, I just don’t like it.

Guess: Your mind’s verbalized attempt to make contact with something it thinks it knows.

Soap: What your skin welcomes in to make Dirt leave.

Descendant: To come after the result of when someone came.

Pathological Liar: Someone so caught up in their web of lies, that they just decided to move in.

Gambler: In love with chance, stalked by risk, eager for some luck.

Twitter Jail: You are now behind bars for having dropped too many lyrical bars in one day.

Erection: When he stands firm for his right to be entertained.

Decision: Fated to be the ruler of your own life or destined to be someone else’s bitch.

Toilet Paper: The white flag your hand produces to try and make shit surrender.

Exam: When you vomit what your revision has been holding in.

Regret: That feeling you get when you let Opportunity go to voicemail.

Chance: What grabs you by the balls when it’s time to get lucky.

Colour: The only thing your eyes can see when your vision is blind.

-  Rails: What keep the tubes in line, so they’re never off track.

Threat: A bad dice to roll if it lands you in violence.

Jeans: Keep your ass in check so it never becomes a drop out.

Referee: A decision maker hated by football fakers whose personalised cards don’t win anyone’s favour.

Interview: The time to wear clothes that are suit-able.

Idiot: The guy who’s always running round in circles because he keeps cutting corners.

STD: Stupid traitor dick.

Adulthood: Now you're done growing up, your body starts to shrink down.

Unprepared: Biting off more than you can chew, when you’ve got no teeth.

Tired: Energetically incompetent.

Massive Ego: When you can talk the talk, but all attempts to walk the walk, just end with you falling over.

Sheep: Resistant to shaving in a baaad way.

Questionable: Basing your sanity on someone who gets paid for you to be insane.

Unless: The only word that saves but from being a nuisance.

Zero: The number we all love to see on our bank statements so long as it's not first.

Persistent: 50 no’s and 1 yes is still a yes.

Pressing (In the Nigerian sense): Joining up body parts to make a new whole.

Oversight: Fed up with your reflection, you decide to get a facelift.

Overview: Breaking the summary down into a nice simple sum.

Stubborn: Eyes rooted to the floor when the writing's on the wall.

Statistics: A group of numbers looking for an argument.

Denial: Putting in ear plugs when the fat lady sings.

Genuine Vow vs 21st Century Vow: I do until death do us part vs I do until I don't.

- A great advert is like great sex – a massive build-up, a clinical delivery and a long lasting memory.

- Talk sense. Don't force people to try and make sense of the crap you've just said.

- Don’t talk crap unless you want people to think you’re full of shit.

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